By Meghan Poff
Dear Mark Zuckerburg,
You owe me big time. If you ever want to make it up to me, just send a nice check to my therapist. But I bet she doesn’t like you either. Because of you, every Monday, Thursday and Saturday from 3- 4:30 p.m., she has had to listen to me talk about how much I hate Facebook.
Don’t be too hard on yourself though. You had a really good idea, in your head. You just forgot to take some important variables into account.
- People think that others care about what they have to say.
- People don’t care about what others have to say.
- People think what they have to say is important to others.
- People could not care less about what is important to others.
However, it is not too late to save Facebook. Just take my advice, please I am begging you, and your website just might come back from MySpace level.
- The Dislike button- The like button only looks really successful because of the fact that there is no dislike button. Because only about 1 out of every 10 times do I actually like a status, and this does not account for the other 9 times that I do not like a status. (*The dislike button can also apply to relationship statuses)
- Take away people’s ability to say where they are and who they are with- Because, well, no one cares.
- Automatically make wall posts between couples private- As to avoid that awkward moment when you throw up your breakfast after seeing “Yay it’s our two day anniversary! I love you baby!”
- Automatic spell-check statuses- Sometimes I get confused when I see, “weekend wuz wy 2 fast dont wanna go 2 skwl tommrw.” Similarly, I almost forget what language I am supposed to be speaking when I see, “mE n D@RReLL b LighTin sHizz ^ in d@ cLUb.”
- Tell annoying girls to stop talking about their feelings and go PMS elsewhere- I have had enough of all this, “I’m tired of getting my heart broken by someone that never cared about me.” and “Guys need to know how to treat a lady right. Smh.” I have added up the figures, and by my calculations, there is a reason you are single.
I have re-read all of my key points, and I really do not think any of them are that unrealistic, so if you could make this happen for me, that would be nice. I feel like a lot of people could really benefit from these changes but mostly I feel like if you do this, I might be able to lean off of my anger management medication a bit.
Please and Thank You,